Many couples after years of marriage get to a point where arguments dominant intimacy, and the once sense of connectedness seems to no longer exist. Now that you’re in a distressed marriage, it seems that every couple around the way are holding hands, hugging, smiling and interacting with each other as if they know something you don’t. “What am I missing?” “Why can’t I have that?” “What’s their secret?” you ask yourself. There’s no big secret to their connectedness, but the answer to your questions lies in the fact that the couples you are seeing are still dating!
Dating is the building block to a relationship. We use dating as a means to ‘hook-up’ with the goal of connecting with that person in a more intimate fashion. The idea of going on a date gets us excited, anxious and nervous, but at the same time makes us smile to the possibilities of the future—Marriage!
Once we are married, we tend to put things on cruise control; believing that we’ve accomplished our goal, so now let nature take its course. We put more emphasis on the responsibilities and our idea of marriage instead of continuing to focus on what got us to marriage in the first place—Dating!
Married life can become predictable, dry and ‘humdrum’, but it doesn’t have to if you continue to date your spouse on a regular basis. Between work, kids and household responsibilities, many couples say they don’t have time to date, however this could lead to disconnection in your marriage which ultimately will lead to divorce. But you can spice things up a little by courting and dating your spouse all over again!
A major problem arises when a couple no longer prioritizes spending valuable time together. This often occurs when the persons involve take things for granted, or feels neither is getting any real value from the relationship itself. But if a couple can learn to re-create a series of romantic events that established the relationship, the excitement will renew and the relationship will change for the better.
By taking the proper steps, you can re-ignite the flame. Try these techniques to get things moving in the right direction:
Prioritize And Set Time Aside For Romance
Prioritizing and setting aside time for romance is essential for a long fulfilling marriage. When establishing ‘quality time’ your primary focus should be on enjoying time spent together and not on time itself. These times should occur during the week as well as on weekends. Not every event should include leaving your home. Sharing a warm bubble bath and initiating stimulating conversation will take your relationship to new heights. Stimulating conversation does not and should not include topics involving your children!
Focus All Your Attention On Your Spouse When On A Marital Date
Don’t call-up Sarah or Tina, Robert or Thomas when planning a ‘Marital’ night out. The children are doing just fine with the babysitter and will survive without you for a few hours! Turn off the cell phone and Blackberry, and place 120% of your attention on your date. Remember how things were at the beginning with no distractions, stress, worries or concerns. Re-connection can only occur when you let everything else go and only focus on enjoying yourself and your date in the moment; for the moment; at the moment! Romance, for most women, means intimate conversational sharing and affection. For most men, it means sharing a recreational activity, a peaceful atmosphere and sex.
Put The Jeans And Casual Wear Aside.
On your first date, each of you took extra care and time to make sure you were looking your best. As a man, you took a trip to the barber shop and wore your “Playa’s” jacket. As a woman, you tried on everything in the closest until you found the perfect outfit that hugged every curve just right. The first impression meant everything to you, so you dressed to impress!
As a man, you must remember that taking the time to dress for your lady makes her feel extra special and makes a statement that she matters. And as a woman, looking extra spicy for your man, reminds him that you are not just the mother of his children, but also that hot vixen that he once yearned for day and night!
All and all, you both must remember that ‘sex appeal’ is the most important part of keeping romance alive. It keeps us feeling good about ourselves and sexually desired by the one that matters most!
The Importance Of Flirting
Many couples after being together a long time become disconnected to the importance of flirting. At the beginning you held hands, gazed into each other’s eyes, and enjoyed the scenery as he/she walked away. While dining at a nice restaurant, you spent more time talking then eating, but now the only thing you do is eat. There’s no touching, no intimate lingering looks, no teasing smiles!
If you do talk, the conversation goes more like this, “Careful, you’re going to spill; you’re such a klutz!” “The food always takes forever at this place!” “I heard John and Sarah are getting divorced!” The conversation used to be more like this, “I love this restaurant, thank you for bring me here!” “My pleasure, I love spending time with you!” “What do you think about the Sautéed Shrimp? I hear it’s delightful to the taste!” “The color of your shirt blends perfectly with your eyes!” When the food finally arrives, you both hunker down and concentrate on moving the fork to mouth. There’s nothing more to say to each other. You don’t even share if you are enjoying your meal. Your primary goal is to get through the meal and leave!
In order to reconnect, you must learn to flirt with each other all over again! Something as simple as a whisper in the ear, a playful hug, a note tucked into the briefcase, or a kiss for no reason at all—can help rekindle the flame and re-establish your relationship.
No husband and wife should ever expect to be romantic all the time, however being aware of the importance of staying connected and the needs of your spouse should stay in the fore-front of your thoughts. Dating is what got you to the Altar, and it’s a major requirement to keeping you from attending your divorce proceeding. Try dating your spouse again— you just may find yourself wanting to get married all over again!